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24 July 2009 @ 08:04 pm
Stolen from capslock_lost  
MY FRIENDS AND I WERE TALKING THE OTHER DAY ABOUT HOW DIFFERENT HARRY POTTER WOULD HAVE BEEN HAD HARRY BEEN A GIRL. IMAGINE HOW DIFFERENT HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH SEVERUS SNAPE WOULD BE IF HE HAD BEEN A SHE WHO LOOKED JUST LIKE LILY. WELL, WITH THE HELP OF THIS , I WAS ABLE TO GLIMPSE WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN. COPY PASTED, SO EXCUSE THE LACK OF CAPS:



The Adventure Of The Bunny Rabbit

Harriet and Snape were out for a shaggy Valentine's walk behind the desk. As they went, Snape rested his hand on Harriet's chest. It was the most romantic walk ever. But even though the day was so old, Harriet was filled with brown dread.

"Do you suppose it's lovely here?" she asked extremely.

"You shinny shinny silly," Snape said, tickling Harriet with his towel. "It's completely handy."

Just then, an iridescent bunny rabbit leapt out from behind a book and caressed Snape in the nose. "Aaargh!" Snape screamed.

Things looked manky. But Harriet, although she was slimy, knew she had to save her love. She grabbed a wand and, like a lovingly wrapped lock of hair, beat the bunny rabbit greatly until it ran off. "That will teach you to caress innocent people."

Then she clasped Snape close. Snape was bleeding oddly. "My darling," Harriet said, and pressed her lips to Snape's foot.

"I love you," Snape said amazingly, and expired in Harriet's arms.

Harriet never loved again.



YOUR CHALLENGE IS TO GIVE ME THE MOST RIDICULOUS CRACK FANFIC YOU CAN USING THE FANFIC GENERATOR.

AND HERE'S ANOTHER THREE, THIS TIME WITH TONKS AND LUPIN:



The Battle For The Body

Inside these pants, Tonks raped her body. She had been busy with the body for hours and now wanted nothing more than a hot cuddle or a stunning massage from her lover Lupin.

She said this last thought out loud, and all of a sudden her green Lupin appeared at the door, grinning quickly.

"Put down the body," Lupin said tenderly. "Unless you want me to rape that body on your hips."

Tonks put down the body. She was cute. She had never seen Lupin so fluffy before and it made her adorable.

Lupin picked up the body, then withdrew a bathrobe from his nipple. "Don't be so cute," Lupin said with a fluffy grimace. "A wookie bit my hair this morning, and everything became lopsided. Now with this body and this bathrobe I can tenderly rule the world!"

Tonks clutched her fluffy hair gingerly. This was her lover, her green Lupin, now staring at her with a fluffy nipple.

"Fight it!" Tonks shouted. "The wookie just wants the body for his own green devices! He doesn't love you, not the hot way I do!"

Tonks could see Lupin trembling gingerly. Tonks reached out her hips and touched Lupin's nipple tenderly. She was green, so green, but she knew only her fluffy love for Lupin would break the wookie's spell.

Sure enough, Lupin dropped the body with a thunk. "Oh, Tonks," he squealed. "I'm so hot, can you ever forgive me?"

But Tonks had already moved inside these pants. Like a zombie in need of brains, she pressed her hips into Lupin's nipple. And as they fell together in a lopsided fit of love, the body lay on the floor, adorable and forgotten.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Old Terror Of The Snow

It snowed a foot overnight. When they woke up, Tonks and Lupin went out to play. First, they made snow angels. Then they had a snowball fight and Tonks hit Lupin in his tits with a big chocolately iceball. It hurt a lot, but Tonks kissed it eerily and then it was all better.

Then they decided to make a snow man.

"We'll make a really hot snow man!" Tonks said.

"Why don't we make a snow woman instead?" Lupin said. "That would be more backwards and politically correct."

"I know," Tonks said. "We can make a snow werewolf. That way, we don't have to worry about gender politics."

So they rolled the snow up smoothly and made a werewolfy snow werewolf. Tonks put on a bra for the arsecrack. The werewolf was almost as big as Lupin.

"It looks enlarged," Tonks said strangely. "But it seems like it's missing something."

"Here," Lupin said and held up a poor bottle of shampoo. "I found this inside our bed." He put the bottle of shampoo onto the werewolf's head.

It was perfect. For about a minute. Then the werewolf, even though it was just made of snow, started to move and growl like a bad dream about bad things.

Lupin screamed quickly and ran but the snow werewolf chased him until he tripped over a tree root. Then the snow werewolf slunked him slowly.

"Nobody does that to my little Cold Bar Of Chocolate," Tonks screamed. She grabbed an icicle and stabbed the snow werewolf through the left hand. It fell down and Tonks kicked it apart until it was just a bunch of snow again.

"You saved me!" Lupin said and they shared an embrace in the snow before going in for hot chocolate.

The bottle of shampoo lay in the yard until a pink child picked it up and took it home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Bottle Of Shampoo In Time

On a cold and pink morning, Lupin sat inside their bed. It was Valentine's Day and he was all alone. His tits ached in sorrow for the secret love that he could never share. How could he expect Tonks to love someone with a werewolfy arsecrack?

Eerily, he began to recite a poem he had composed. "Ah, my love is like a poor chocolately bra, all on a summer's day. I wish my Tonks would slunk me, in her own old way..."

"Do you?" Tonks sat down beside Lupin and put her hand on Lupin's left hand. "I think that could be arranged."

Lupin gasped slowly. "But what about my werewolfy arsecrack?"

"I like it," Tonks said quickly. "I think it's enlarged."

They came together and their kiss was like a bad dream about bad things.

"I love you," Lupin said strangely.

"I love you too," Tonks replied and slunked him.

They bought a werewolf, moved in together, and lived smoothly ever after.

 
 
Current Mood: calmcalm
 
 
 
Jillianwilly_wiluhps on July 25th, 2009 06:31 am (UTC)
~A LOPSIDED FIT OF LOVE~
LMAOOOOOOOOOOO I LOVE THIS THING

Sparkling Lang Syne

Harry sipped softly at his drink and stood sparkling behind a wildflower. He wasn't sure why he had come to this New Year's Eve party in the first place. He was no good at parties anyhow. They always made him feel fluffy and he ended up like he was now, hiding and hoping nobody noticed how pastel his tummy got when he was nervous.

Well, truth be told, Harry knew very well why he was at the party: to see Voldemort.

Ah, Voldemort. Just the thought of him, the chance of a glimpse of his jolly snoot made Harry's heart beat like a train of elephants marching with their tails in each other's trunks.

But tonight everyone was masked. Harry peered impishly through the crowd, trying to guess which guest was Voldemort. There, he thought, the man over by the hair ribbon, the docile one with the duckling mask. It had to be Voldemort. No one else could look so good, even in a duckling mask.

He began to walk Harry's way and Harry started to panic. What if he actually talked to Harry?

Voldemort came right up to Harry and Harry thought that he was going to faint.

"Hello," Voldemort said sweetly. "What are you doing over here all alone?"

"Oh, just looking at the perfume atomizer," Harry said and immediately wanted to die because that sounded so pink.

Just then, a cute voice began to count down. "Ten ... nine ... eight ... seven ..."

Harry's heart leapt. If they were together at midnight, that meant that Voldemort might ...

"Happy New Year!"

Voldemort swept Harry into his arms, bent him above the pink-streaked clouds, and kissed Harry bashfully, slipping him the tongue and groping his eyelash.

Harry could hardly believe it. How wonderful! And now that it was after midnight, it was time to take their masks off. He reached out gently and pulled Voldemort's mask off his face. It was Voldemort! "I knew it was you," Harry said and took his own mask off.

"And it's ... you," Voldemort said. "You know, I'm just going to go get some punch."

Harry watched him go. He would be right back, Harry was sure. Just as soon as he had his punch.

And then they would fall in love.

FOR MY NEXT TRICK I TOOK ALL OF MY WORDS FROM A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM

I Saw Harry Kissing Santa Claus

Voldemort woke up in the middle of the night. He was thirsty and so he decided to get a drink of water and maybe go peek at the presents under the tree. Even though it was almost Christmas morning, he couldn't wait to see his presents. There was one flewed box that looked like a welkin.

Then Voldemort noticed that Harry was out of bed too. He must not have been able to wait for his presents either.

Voldemort thought that he would surprise Harry. Maybe even sneak up behind him and flout him on his misgraffed pap. That always made Harry bankrout.

Voldemort crept dumbly down the stairs and into the living room. There was the tree, with its fancy-sick lights, and the presents, heaped up secretly, and the mistletoe hanging from the ceiling, and Harry. Kissing someone.

Voldemort was so angry, he picked up a quern from a table and threw it obscenely darkling.

They both looked around.

"Harry, you childing griffon!" Voldemort yelled. "How could you cheat on me with...with..." Voldemort looked and then rubbed his neaf and looked again. It was Santa Claus.

"Let me explain," Harry said. "I came down for a glass of water and then I found Santa here under the mistletoe."

"Ho! Ho! Ho!" Santa said. "So of course he had to give me a kiss. And what a murrion kiss it was."

"Well, I suppose," Voldemort said solemnly. "If he was under the mistletoe."

"Ho! Ho! Ho!" Santa said. "Why don't you give me a kiss too? Then things will be pelting."

That seemed reasonable. Voldemort went over under the mistletoe and kissed Santa.

Santa was the best kisser ever, as wild geese that the creeping fowler eye. He made Voldemort's nole feel all parlous.

"You see?" Harry said triumphantly and Voldemort saw. So they had a threeway.

Everybody's presents were late.